Sit & Wonder

After an early morning workout, I decided I needed to get out of the apartment and go have breakfast at Milk & Honey Cafe. It had been on my list for a while as a place I wanted to visit.

I got there and was a bit confused about which building it was. I stood in the middle of the street for a good 40 seconds until I finally looked up and saw a huge sign that said Lifepoint Church. The cafe was below the church. Milk & Honey Cafe is one of the extensions of the church.

Eggs, waffles, bacon and potatoes, along with an Elvis smoothie—chocolate, banana, chia seeds, blueberries and oat milk—filled my belly.

My intention was to work there for a few hours, but the Wi-Fi wasn't working on my computer. No one else seemed to have this issue but me. I took it as a sign that maybe I was supposed to go back to my apartment and nap after such a fulfilling meal.

The Grab bike driver motioned to me that my leaning to the left was blocking his view. I wanted to make it back alive, so I sat like a stiff board behind him for the rest of the ride.

When we were approaching my place, he signaled for me to relax.

“Sabi sabi,” he said with a laugh.

He was telling me to relax.

Back at my apartment, there was a tinge of disappointment because there has been too much time spent here lately. I wanted to get out today.

I lay on the couch with the intention of watching TV, but I didn't want to. I wanted to lay quietly.

Not sleep.

Just take in the moment with quiet.

My social media detox has brought more time for deep contemplation and space for my brain to just relax. You don't realize how the overconsumption of information, noise and constant activity sets the tone for a stressful mind/body connection.

Only when everything stops do you realize how strained it has become.

It feels like something is missing.

The mind and body crave the chaos because that is what they are used to.

After an early morning workout, housecleaning and a trip to breakfast, I can take a moment.

I can allow myself to just be in this space without striving for more.

After almost two years in Thailand, I'm still learning.

I'm learning how to be.

It's not easy coming from a culture that places so much value on productivity. I consider myself a pretty relaxed person. I've always strived for work/life balance.

But my goals are much different now.

I'm trying to build a life that includes the work I enjoy.

There is no blueprint for this.

It's personal, and it requires deep knowledge and understanding of yourself. It also requires the belief that I deserve this life for myself.

It requires questioning everything I have been taught to want. What I've been taught success looks like. What I've been taught about being seen.

And sometimes, you have to throw it all out the window.

Regroup.

Do the work within yourself to really understand what you want, why you want it, and whether it actually serves you and your goals.

It's a mission statement for life.

How many of us are taught to do this?

How many of us are taught that we are important enough to have a mission statement for our life?

Or, more importantly, the steps to get there?

That's where I am these days.

There is a cloud of confusion, but somehow I still continue to move forward.

The hardest part is accepting that the confusion is okay.

Being in the uncomfortable state and trusting yourself enough to keep going.

Being transparent because I don't want to pretend.

And at the same time, wanting to be seen because I feel like we all go through this, but are somehow forced to pretend otherwise.

Maybe there is something to be said for a little less doing.

A little less knowing.

A little less striving.

And more sitting.

And wondering.

Understanding the importance of a sit and wonder.